I was a minister
code blue
hand aching from the grip of
mother or sister, “chaplain,oh,
chaplain”
my self embodying the
grasp for hope
in a place where words
are never enough
I was a minister
“Why would God?’
“Why did God?’
“I must be bad, go away .”
I go and I return.
No pat answers.
Just this odd woman of God
willing to ride out the storm.
I was a minister
now my body is broken
and I must buy it
buy that my will alone cannot
drive me to
Work harder
stay longer
be the best, oh,yes
Am I a minister?
Some days I cannot remember
my phone number
and the tasks of survival
occupy me
I am too weak to work
too weak to drive
too weak
too weak
but what was that bit
about “treasure in clay jars”
cracked pots
crackpot, certainly
I am a minister
I heard my call
it was not a mistake
I cannot do
and so I stand quiet
clutching shattered Grace
in both my hands,
listening ,again,
for that Voice
Deb Smith retains copyrights for her poetry. Bio__Deb Smith graduated from PSR and was ordained in 1984. I spent most of my career as a chaplain in physical, psch, and chem dependency hospitals, but was also a Licensed social worker and pastoral counselor.
I started getting tired about 16 years ago, but my energy has always been so high. I just figured it was overwork. Ten years ago I had to leave a doctoral program in psychology and religion after my first year, due to constant illness and fatigue. For years (two of them bedbound), I had a diagnosis of “yes, you’re sick, but your tests are fine.” This is important,
because I could not apply for social security disability without a specific diagnosis.Atypical hypothyroidism was finally settled on. The meds got me out of bed, but not functional. I have adrenal insuffeciency, gluten intolerance, fibromyalgia CFIDS, chronic Epstien-Barr.
A friend with a visible disablity since childhood talks about having to convince people she could do things;I have to convince people I can’t do things, as my disabilities are invisible. I miss respect, am occasionally considerdes lazy, viewed with contempt or having a “vacation.” My dog and cat love me as I am an I am determined to get well enought to contribue to society and to have some FUN.
